A Conversation about Communication

I came across this series of emails my husband and I wrote two to three years ago in response to the following request of one of our church leaders.

We are going to be discussing family relationships. Would you please, together with your spouse respond in some detail to the following question?
"Given today's challenging, busy, stressful, atmosphere, what advice or counsel would you give for maintaining healthy and effective communication with your family?"
Because the marriage relationship is a top priority please consider that relationship in your answer, but also please also consider other relationships like parent/child, grandparent/child, parent/adult child etc.

When it comes to communication I think there is always room for improvement, so I am posting for anyone who wants to read it, and mostly as a reminder to myself.

So let's do something about this, shall we? I think it'd be fun to turn in a running series of emails between the two of us... a kind of "he said, she said" thing. What do you think?


HE SAID:

The prompt is: "Given today's challenging, busy, stressful, atmosphere, what advice or counsel would you give for maintaining healthy and effective communication with your family?"

My first thought is that frequency trumps formality. My dad, bless his heart, is fond of order and organization and ceremony and pomp and circumstance. When I was a lad, he held scheduled one-on-one interviews with each child weekly or bi-weekly or some such thing, usually on Sunday afternoons. And the results were somewhat less than stellar. We'd meet at the dining room table (which was never, ever used for eating, in my house) and start with a question like, "So what's been on your mind lately, son?" My responses were usually... well... pretty concise. Monosyllabic, actually. Kind of like what I get from our boys these days when I ask them about their day at school.

The talks I remember better--with both my parents--were those when we'd be doing the dishes together or raking the yard or tossing a ball around and they'd get me talking about something of interest to me and just listen and ask follow-up questions. We weren't talking about serious, substantive things (usually), but we were communicating in a way that mattered an awful lot to me at the time and that I still remember fondly. The strong relationships I have with my parents are built more on dozens of two- to five-minute chats each week than on one or two twenty-minute discussions.

What was your experience?


 I think this is a good way for us to solidify and define our points. We might want to slim it down a bit before we forward it on though :) (we have a habit of being a bit verbose every now and then ;)

SHE SAID:

We all know my family is not formal... at all. I don't know that we were the best at communicating either... with our own children I've noticed that taking the time to listen is the most effective. It is very easy to just continue whatever I'm doing and let whatever they are saying run on in the background, with a few mono-syllabic responses to give the impression I'm engaged. However, the times when I stop, look at them, truly pay attention to what they are saying, and ask a few questions to clarify what they are saying, or indicate my involvement, those are the times when true communication is happening. I think it is important to listen to their little stories and questions when they are small so that they know when they are older that mom and/or dad will truly listen to them. I think real communication builds trust.

HE SAID:

I think you're right. And in order to engage our kids in genuine conversation, we need to genuinely care about things in which they're interested. That's pretty easy for me since, you know, men are just outsized little boys. I mis-spent a lot of my own childhood reading and pretending about aircraft carriers and bazookas and dinosaurs and volcanoes and suchlike. I'm guessing your reading and imagining ran along different channels, though. What's your strategy for engaging our little fellows on their own topical ground? You do build a mean Lego building, of course.

SHE SAID:

My strategy thus far has been to leave the topic-intense discussions to you, and focus on how they feel about things. I ask why they like things, why something makes them happy or sad, what they think about a subject. That way, I don't need to have intensive understanding of their interests, but I can still show that I care about the subjects-because they care about them. I like talking about the why, not just the what. And that's okay. A mother and father bring different things to each relationship. It was designed that way so the different needs of our children can be addressed. I think that is one of the reasons communication is so important- it helps us to understand the other persons needs and how to help them. Which brings up the next question- as men and women our ways of communicating our needs are different. How do we bridge that gap to ensure that what we are "saying" is truly understood, so that we can meet the needs of our spouse and have our needs met?

HE SAID:

Hm. Why do I feel like I'm walking into a minefield here? I should say as a disclaimer that I don't think I've been particularly good at understanding your communication needs all of the time (or those of our kids). I do try, though. But I've learned a few lessons through my missteps. For one thing, I've learned that it's dangerous, needlessly smug, and usually just plain wrong to assume that you or our kiddos want a "solution" when you talk to me about a problem. When I've done well-ish in communicating with you or one of the boys about a concern or challenge or just something you feel strongly about, I feel like it's because I've been savvy enough to let you talk, asking follow-up questions as appropriate. More often than not, the talk-er is looking first for validation from the talk-ee... and second (or third, or maybe fourth) for substantive input or advice. Is that about right, most of the time?

Especially where our kids are concerned, I think it's more important that they come to view us as a sounding board rather than a guru. Sure, it'd be flattering to be seen as an infallible oracle of great advice. But even if that was a true perception (and it isn't), in the long run our kids are going to be better off if we help them discover their own ability to express their feelings coherently and work through challenging problems.

To me, the biggest challenge has been to ask questions in a way that makes it clear that I'm trying to be sure I understand what's being said, not questioning the idea or feeling being expressed. You're good at that. How do you do it?

SHE SAID:

You're definitely on the right track. You do a better job than you think. If anything, I would say you could respond more than you do. I think my modus operandi (sp?) is to first show empathy (that must be hard, wow, that must make you so happy etc.) and then I restate what they have said with a qualifying statement such as "so what you're saying is this?". Or "just to make sure I understand what you're saying you feel..". I listen to what they (you) say, and then restate it to make sure I'm understanding correctly-at this point they can correct me, say yes, or elaborate. After I'm sure I understand what they are trying to say, and show empathy, then at that point I might interject some suggestions or ideas, or my own thoughts or feelings on the subject. It kind of sounds like a text book answer (show empathy, restate what they said-check for understanding, respond) but it really works well.

I think you are right on how our approach with our children should be when it comes to solving problems, figuring out feelings etc. cause the truth is, we won't know all of the answers (or don't already as the case may be ;). although, that is easier said than done...

One of the things I've defined in communication is that someone must feel safe to truly communicate. If we expect our children to let us know what is going on in their lives, to share their worries and concerns, the hard things that are going on as well as the good things, then they have to feel safe sharing those things with us. They need to know that they will not be judged when they talk to us, that if things are shared in confidence it will stay that way. They need to know those theings they share with us will not be used against them at some later point. They need to know they will not be ridiculed, thought less of etc. I think the same thing goes with communication between husband and wife. We must feel safe sharing, or we wont share. You have managed to do this within our own relationship. I feel safe talking to you. I am able to allow myself to be vulnerable with you. When I have a need I know I can come to you with it, and instead of being judged you help me define what I am feeling etc. and then ask if there is anything you can do to help. I think that goes back to what you were talking about- you don't jump in with a solution but instead ask if I need a solution. Even when my issues involve you, you try hard not to take offense and to truly understand what I am trying to say. You assume the best, not the worst and that has strengthened our ability to communicate.

So, to sum up, frequency over formality, engaged listening, build trust, show empathy, clarify/re-state, respond, encourage safe sharing atmosphere. Hmmmm- I'm thinking I need to take my own advice a bit more :)