Be happy to see him.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Listen to him.
At first I was only going to share my thoughts about the second line, but these seemed to go together so well, that I'm including them all. Is it just me, or aren't these actually good ideas? If you're not happy to see your husband when he gets home, something is seriously wrong with your relationship. Is there something wrong with liking to see your best friend at the end of the day? And who hasn't had one of "those" days when you are counting down the seconds until he gets home and can rescue you from all of the chaos? Believe me, I was definitely happy to see him as he walked through the door the last time I had one of those days! If we want our husbands to continue to come home at the end of the day, doesn't it make sense that he should look forward to coming home? If we never meet him with joy, only disgruntled relief, whining and complaining, or worse, anger, where is the motivation?
As for the second one, our husbands worry about us a whole lot more than they let on. When I was a younger mother (I can still consider myself a young mom cause I don't have teenagers yet, right?) I made the mistake of only complaining about my day. Seth would come home from work and I would only tell him about the bad things. All of the frustrating, aggravating, disappointing, "I can't do this for one more minute", things that happened while he was at work, school, or serving in his church responsibilities. All of the messes the boys made, how hard it was to be home all day without a car, and only the boys company, how tired I was, etc. He was gone a lot, and only had the information I gave him to judge how things were going at home. Every now and then I would talk about having five or six children (we had two at the time), and he would say something about not thinking we could handle that many. I thought he was just joking, or talking about himself. (I grew up in a family with 8 children, he had 4 with a large break between the first two and second two). One day he said "Melissa, I really don't think you can deal with very many more children". When I asked him why, he said it was because all I do is talk about how hard it was, how difficult everything is and he worried about me.
Basically, because all I did was complain, instead of talking about the happy things that occurred - the times we laughed, how fun it was to see my boys learn something new, the joy I found in overcoming a challenge, the "I love being a mom" moments - he had a skewed view of my life, and my abilities. My complaining caused him to worry needlessly about me, and almost affected a very large decision of lasting consequence. So, before you start complaining, take stock, and define what picture you want to portray, and if complaining isn't going to portray that picture, don't! I'm not saying that sharing the hard things, the things we complain about is bad, I just think (and I just came up with this), that complaining doesn't get us the results we are looking for. I think I was looking for compassion, someone to say "that must have been hard, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you". Someone to acknowledge my difficulties, and then help me move past them. I think there is a better way to get the results we are seeking, and that is called communication, something a little bit different than complaining.
Which brings us to the third point on that list, Listen to him.
I was going to go ahead and address this idea in this post, but I find that I have so much to say on the topic of listening and communication that it is going into a post of it's own.
So, until then, be happy, and enjoy painting :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
"The Good Wife" part 1
The following article was read to us in Sunday School this past Sunday.
At the onset, the suggestions are outrageous and laughable. What woman in this day and age is going to "submit" to the ideas in this article? And besides, who wears ribbons now-days anyways?
But here's the kicker, take away the "reasons" given to do those things purported in this article, namely that -"the man is the husband and ruler and you must cater to his every whim because you are only the woman and wife" - and the suggestions really aren't that bad, and even have some truth behind them. I will talk about only two of them, citing personal experience, but I think some of the others could apply as well. Read on, and see what you think.
First, some background. I am a mother of five young boys, one of which is severely handicapped. My husband works 12+ hours a day, plus a 35min-2 hour commute every day. I am up before 6:30 and often don't go to bed until after 11:00, and anything more than a 2-hour stretch of sleep is a miracle. I know what crazy is, I know what tired it, I know from experience that life throws up on you, quite often more than once a day. I also must share that I have a husband who is understanding and helpful. He cleans bathrooms, cooks dinner (outshining me on some instances), will watch all of the children so I can have a needed break, etc. If I did nothing all day but hold a baby and read a book, he would say nothing to me, but come home after his busy day and start cleaning the house and feeding the children. I share all of this because I don't want anyone to mistake me for a "brow-beaten" wife, whose husband expects her to do the things listed above.
So, here's the deal. This past week, before this article was shared, I knew that my husband was having a stressful, busy week. I knew that his hours at home would be fewer, and that he was tired from late nights and early mornings. I wanted those hours he was home to be spent with us, not spent doing household chores. So, more than I have recently, I made an effort to do the chores I would normally save for Saturday, when the whole family was home, during the week. with the help of my boys we tried to have the main living space of our house tidied, and on a few occasions even vacuumed, right before he came home so it didn't have a chance to get messed up again. I tried really hard to at least have dinner started before he walked through the door, and sometimes I even timed it right, and it was ready for him (not an easy task when you're dealing with L.A. traffic).
I chose to do these things because I wanted to make his life easier. I wanted him to be able to come home and relax and enjoy time together with his family. I did them for him, not because I had to, and you know what? Surprise surprise, it helped all of us. Ask any mother and she will tell you the hardest part of the day is between supper and bedtime (or if we really want to be honest the time between when the children get home from school and bedtime). We are worn out, frazzled, and just ready to be done for the day, and there are still at least three more hours to get through. Getting my house straightened, and at least all but the dinner dishes done, and having dinner ready to go not only made things more relaxing for my husband, (and yes, he noticed and was appreciative), but it made things more relaxing for me! Our evenings were more peaceful, our Saturday was more enjoyable, and I felt good because I had a sense of accomplishment that I had actually done something more than wipe noses and fold laundry. The list above makes one want to deride and minimize the effect we as mothers and wives can have. It takes away the joy in being a homemaker. Is it really wrong to "Be happy to see him"? or "Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him"? Is there something wrong in wanting to please your husband? No, the article is only wrong because it changes one crucial fact, when we do these things it is because we choose to do them out of love for our families, not because it is our "duty".
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
- During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
- Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
- Be happy to see him.
- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
- Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- A good wife always knows her place.
At the onset, the suggestions are outrageous and laughable. What woman in this day and age is going to "submit" to the ideas in this article? And besides, who wears ribbons now-days anyways?
But here's the kicker, take away the "reasons" given to do those things purported in this article, namely that -"the man is the husband and ruler and you must cater to his every whim because you are only the woman and wife" - and the suggestions really aren't that bad, and even have some truth behind them. I will talk about only two of them, citing personal experience, but I think some of the others could apply as well. Read on, and see what you think.
First, some background. I am a mother of five young boys, one of which is severely handicapped. My husband works 12+ hours a day, plus a 35min-2 hour commute every day. I am up before 6:30 and often don't go to bed until after 11:00, and anything more than a 2-hour stretch of sleep is a miracle. I know what crazy is, I know what tired it, I know from experience that life throws up on you, quite often more than once a day. I also must share that I have a husband who is understanding and helpful. He cleans bathrooms, cooks dinner (outshining me on some instances), will watch all of the children so I can have a needed break, etc. If I did nothing all day but hold a baby and read a book, he would say nothing to me, but come home after his busy day and start cleaning the house and feeding the children. I share all of this because I don't want anyone to mistake me for a "brow-beaten" wife, whose husband expects her to do the things listed above.
So, here's the deal. This past week, before this article was shared, I knew that my husband was having a stressful, busy week. I knew that his hours at home would be fewer, and that he was tired from late nights and early mornings. I wanted those hours he was home to be spent with us, not spent doing household chores. So, more than I have recently, I made an effort to do the chores I would normally save for Saturday, when the whole family was home, during the week. with the help of my boys we tried to have the main living space of our house tidied, and on a few occasions even vacuumed, right before he came home so it didn't have a chance to get messed up again. I tried really hard to at least have dinner started before he walked through the door, and sometimes I even timed it right, and it was ready for him (not an easy task when you're dealing with L.A. traffic).
I chose to do these things because I wanted to make his life easier. I wanted him to be able to come home and relax and enjoy time together with his family. I did them for him, not because I had to, and you know what? Surprise surprise, it helped all of us. Ask any mother and she will tell you the hardest part of the day is between supper and bedtime (or if we really want to be honest the time between when the children get home from school and bedtime). We are worn out, frazzled, and just ready to be done for the day, and there are still at least three more hours to get through. Getting my house straightened, and at least all but the dinner dishes done, and having dinner ready to go not only made things more relaxing for my husband, (and yes, he noticed and was appreciative), but it made things more relaxing for me! Our evenings were more peaceful, our Saturday was more enjoyable, and I felt good because I had a sense of accomplishment that I had actually done something more than wipe noses and fold laundry. The list above makes one want to deride and minimize the effect we as mothers and wives can have. It takes away the joy in being a homemaker. Is it really wrong to "Be happy to see him"? or "Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him"? Is there something wrong in wanting to please your husband? No, the article is only wrong because it changes one crucial fact, when we do these things it is because we choose to do them out of love for our families, not because it is our "duty".
The Reason
Lately I've had numerous things I've been cogitating about, and nowhere to share them. Hence this blog. It is mostly a motivation for me to take those random thoughts and ideas and expand my fleeting moments of intellectualism into actual times of mental stimulation. That makes me sound stuffy and smart... really, this is just so I have a place to express the things inside of me that don't at this time have an outlet, and a way to encourage myself to develop my talents and not stagnate. I really don't know what all will end up here, and that is the fun part- I've set no limits, only the goal to write something once a week. So, here is to thoughts, ideas, and the many ways to express them with words.
* As to the title of this blog. I was trying to play on words, and "created" the word "melifluous" meant to be a combination of Melissa and superfluous. Little did I know (but Seth did) that there is an actual word "mellifluous", the definition of which means "flowing with sweetness or honey", or "smooth and sweet". I guess time will tell which definition is more fitting...
* As to the title of this blog. I was trying to play on words, and "created" the word "melifluous" meant to be a combination of Melissa and superfluous. Little did I know (but Seth did) that there is an actual word "mellifluous", the definition of which means "flowing with sweetness or honey", or "smooth and sweet". I guess time will tell which definition is more fitting...
edited Jan. 2012 Obviously once a week didn't happen. When I first started the blog I wasn't sure I wanted to "go public" with it. However, since then I have written a couple of things I think others might benefit from, and I've had a desire to do a few "food" posts (inspired by all the fun things I've found on pintrest), so I am going public. The once a week goal is out the window, but maybe I can realistically try to add something once a month :)
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