Random Thoughts: Joy in Womanhood

I've spent most of yesterday trying to define my feelings about why I am okay with not being a holder of the priesthood, and how to share that. (This is attempt #2487) Because I am okay, and in fact derive much joy in the roles I have as a woman within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In the end, I realized that for me it isn't really about holding or not holding the priesthood, but that I have learned to recognize my worth as a daughter of God.

It breaks my heart that there are women who have not learned what a divine blessing it is to be a woman. Who have not realized how very much Heavenly Father loves his daughters and all they do- just by being who they are. It is heart breaking to think that in order to feel empowered women feel like they have to be exactly like the men. That is not being empowered, that is burying the innate power within you as a daughter of God. I have said before, and will repeat it here. It is my opinion that to the extent that Satan can convince us to focus on what we don’t have, he convinces us to forget and neglect what we do have, and thus prevents us from ever reaching the potential and power within us.

So please, if you are questioning your divine worth. If you are questioning what you as a woman have to contribute to the building up of God’s kingdom. If you are feeling inferior and trod upon as a woman, pray to that God who created you, send him your questions, and wait for his answers. I know that God loves me, that he loves all of his daughters, and that he has given each of us whatever it is we need/will need in order to become our very best selves and return to him again. I am filled with joy and awe as my understanding of my role as a woman increases and broadens. Womanhood is truly something divine.

Two questions I have recently pondered upon. Do I believe that when God said “This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” he was speaking about all of his children? Even his daughters? And if I do, then shouldn’t I believe the way He has designed His plan, including the doctrine around the priesthood, is designed to fulfill that purpose?

And second: Which do I believe is more important to my Heavenly parents: The nurturing and teaching of his spirit children, or the administration of his church. If it is the former, what does that say about my role as a woman?

Stilettos, Sneakers, and Being a Special Needs Mom

Ask any special needs mom, and she will tell you that life is just different compared to that of a non-special needs mom. Case in point:

The difference between a special needs mom and a "normal" mom when shoe shopping...

SNM check list when choosing new shoes for herself:

• Can I chase after my child in them?
• Can I put them on/take them off with no hands.
• Can I wear them and carry/lift my child without a risk of hurting either one of us?
• Do they have enough support my feet won't hate me anymore than they have to at the end of my 20 hour day?
• Can I wear them with any outfit, casual or nice? 
• Can they be cleaned easily?
• Can I afford them?

Non- special needs mom when choosing shoes:

• Do I like them?
• Can I afford it?

When choosing clothes:

SNM

• Is it machine washable? 
• Can I lift, bend, crawl, run, climb, sit stand, and lay down in it without it tearing, ripping, riding up, slipping down, or exposing more of me than a normal human being would be comfortable seeing?
• Will it show stains easily?
• Is it machine washable?
• Is it comfortable?
• Is it machine washable?
• Can I afford it?

NSNM

• Do I like it?
• Can I afford it?

I may have over simplified the Non Special Needs Mom list, (okay, no maybe there- yes, yes I did simplify it)  but the other ones are pretty accurate. For example- picture this:

An 8 year old boy with cerebral palsy who uses a wheelchair and is non-verbal is in church with his family. Suddenly he starts crying- screeching like he's in pain uncontrollable traumatized alligator tear crying- because one of the songs made him sad. Usually Dad wheels him out into the foyer (it has happened before) and he calms down and they come back in.... until the next song...

However today Dad was called last minute to take care of a technical emergency so Mom gets to do it this time. Except this time the little boy doesn't calm down when taken into the foyer. So Mom pulls him out of his wheelchair into her lap to comfort him. But that doesn't work either. At this point his wailing is really interrupting the service, so she carries him outside. She walks around a little bit with her 40 pound boy, and decides to try sitting down on the stairs. He calms a little bit but then starts in again, after wiping his runny nose and wet eyes all over her top. So she stands up again (still holding her son who is unable to sit or stand on his own). Her oldest son comes out to see if she needs any help, and she gratefully sends him in to grab the wheelchair and phone she left in the foyer. She then proceeds to put her son back in the wheelchair, and back him down the soft grass hill to the sidewalk (since the wheelchair accessible ramp is on the other side of the chapel) and do laps around the building. After turning on music on the iPod (that doesn't make him sad) and doing laps outside for 45 min. the sweet little boy whose eyes are red and swollen, but is smiling again, and his mom who loves him so much and whose heart breaks when she doesn't know how to help him, are ready to go back inside and go to the rest of their classes. 

Now, imagine doing all of that while wearing stilettos. For the first time.

These stilettos to be exact. (Aren't they cute?)  Luckily my skirt was long enough and loose enough... Those shoes sat in my closet for two years- an impulsive "it's on clearance, I love how they look, I don't feel like being practical" buy. And then I had that impulsive "I'm going to be impractical -Hubby will be there to help me- wear whatever I want moment". And then life like it always does, threw a curveball. 

Moral: when you have a special needs child practical wins every time. 

As I was walking home from church that Sunday, I realized just how much being a special needs mom has impacted all areas of my life- even down to which clothes and shoes I wear (normally). And because it is just the way things are, I hadn't even noticed. 

Being a special needs mom isn't just taking care of a child with special needs. It changes your life, it changes you. It isn't right, it isn't wrong, it just is. And that is okay. Because at the end of the day, it's not about stilettos or sneakers. It's about doing all I can as a mother to give my son the opportunity to be as healthy and happy as possible. And I'm okay with that.